So, in case y'all haven't noticed, I haven't had much to say lately. It's due to the confluence of my temporary bout of consumption or lung cancer or somethin' and the daily dread I wallowed in while waiting for my grades to come back so I would know whether I was still in law school. Well, I'm only coughing up little bits o' lung now, and my grades came back much better than expected. [whew]
Actually, I've been thinkin' about Father's Day. Yes, it was last week, so I should be looking forward to something else, but this Father's Day was a particularly contemplative day for me. It occurred to me just how crappy a father I've been and how I need to do better. Case in point--shower time with Bryan. Bryan has always been squeamish about water. It was impossible to give him a bath for months because he was afraid of water getting in his eyes. Not soap. Water. We eventually worked through this, but not without many a frustrating evening of crying and gnashing of teeth--and Bryan wasn't happy either.
Anyway, Bryan has been taking showers now for a few months. He liked showers because he was now a big boy, and he liked playing with the shower head (I need to see about replacing the drywall on the ceiling). Note that I said he liked, because somewhere along the way, his fear of water inexplicably returned. He said the water was too fast, though it couldn't dribble out of the shower head any slower than it was. So he would thrash around, cry and carry on, much to my frustration. And, on Friday night, the Friday before Father's Day, my frustration took the form of yelling. I'm not much of a yeller, but I yelled... I yelled angrily at my little boy, who's just a little kid with little kid fears. And he cried. God, I felt so ashamed after that... as if I hit him. He's just a little kid.
On Sunday, Mike (Pastor Mike for those who don't know Mike) preached his Father's Day sermon. It was good. It made me think, and truthfully, it shamed me. So, when it came time to pray, I prayed to God that I could be a better father... a father that Bryan and Meagan deserve. And I vowed I would never yell at Bryan the way I yelled at him that Friday night (unless, of course, he wrecked my car).
So far I've yet to raise my voice to the kids, and things have been pretty harmonious. Today was a challenge because Bryan was pushing buttons, but I didn't yell, and I won't. Not any more, not if I can help it.
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4 comments:
Sorry to hear you were on death's door, but glad you pulled through!
So I guess the Perfect Father Ever award will be something I won't have to share... ;)
Irrational fears ROCK! You know how you are taught to wash your hands after going? Well, while I was washing my hands in a public restroom, I saw a grown up leave without washing his. As I approached the door, I realized HE TOUCHED THE DOOR HANDLE! I didn't want to, so I stayed there until my dad came in to find out why I was taking so long. And yeah, I did stay in a few restrooms for a time waiting for someone to open the door. Even today, I will use a paper towel if someone doesn't come to get me...
But all in all, if this is the worst thing you've done to him - well, you should feel bad! I mean later on in life, when he's talking to his therapist, all he'll have are MOMMY issues! (Hi, Lisa! Just kidding!)
Now, go get some fine mesh screening and create a "box" that the water has to go through before touching him. Or go get a rainforest shower head! Or take him out back and hose him down. Or hire a nurse to give him sponge baths! Does he like to swim? Put soap in the pool! Or name a pair of dogs hotwater and coldwater, and let them lick him clean! (I should stop now...)
BTW, you are not a crappy father. Go listen to Alec Baldwin's message again if you really think so...
Hope all this made you smile.
Irrational fear of piddly door handles? Not at all. But, Bryan clearly doesn't have that fear.
And yeah, leave it to you to get a grin. :)
No, I didn't mean HE would have that; merely the trama and drama of "then" are now the moments I "now" laugh about. I only had that one. (More like, I kind of understand what he is going through.)
And you, sir, are doing a damn fine job! Don't let YOUR irrational fear of "damaging" your kids overshadow that!
I appreciate the vote of confidence, bud. I'm not worried about damaging my kids per se. I just don't want my daily interactions with them to be characterized by me losing my temper, which seemed like a more common occurrence than what I'm comfortable with. They're good kids. Great kids. The best kids. They deserve my best.
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