I bet y'all thought I gave up on this whole blog thing. After all, one post a month does not a blog make. Chalk it up to my general sense of disconnectedness, or disconnectivity, or whatever. You know what I mean.
So, since I last wrote, I've completed another orbit around the sun. My 41st. Turning 41 isn't the milestone that 40 is. In my case, it was a fairly low-key day. Slept in, enjoyed breakfast in bed, played some golf with Rob, went to dinner at J.Buck's with the family... it was nice. :) But no matter how I do the math, I'm left with the inescapable conclusion that I'm on the downhill, that my days are numbered. I know, I know--our days are numbered from our very first breath, but it takes the first 40 years to realize just how short the last 40 can be. Or at least it did for me.
With this realization more at the forefront of my consciousness, I'm feeling behind. Personally, professionally, financially, spiritually, you name it... I'm feeling like I'm not where I should be for someone of my age. I need to catch up. Yet turning 41 and starting on the downhill has left me with another inescapable conclusion that I need to slow down and make each of my numbered days count more. But how do you do that? How do you get more from your time, more from your relationships, more from your life? I don't think it involves skydiving, Rocky Mountain climbing or 2.7 seconds on a bull named Blue Manchu.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
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And as usual, I marked the occasion with abject forgetfulness. I have only ever been able to remember six birthdays at any point and time. Since I have Chase's as one of those now, I'm scrambling to figure out who I dropped.
Anyway, Happy Belated Birthday! Sounds like it was a good day.
I am amazed that you feel that you should somehow be further along with so many areas of your life. By whose standard are you measuring your life?
Some facts to ponder:
Spiritually, less than 10% of Christians accept Christ as their saviour after age 18. And most of that 10% do so by age 25.
Financially, the average person has only saved 15% of what they will need to retire by age 40.
You may be have reached the top of the hill, but it isn't a steep drop. You really do not have to slow down. You simply cannot focus on "the inescapable conclusion". Everyone gets there sooner or later. It is not the destination that is important, but the journey.
I have found myself living in the moment ever since Chase came along. I do not think about how I will be 58 when he graduates from high school. If he waits to get married and have kids as late as me, I may not even see my grandkids. Least ways, I may not remember them or him when they visit me at 80.
But right now, I marvel at each new word he learns, absorb every bit of his laughter, and commit to memory each second we spend together.
Sorry for the ramblings. I guess I am too passionate about this. I just want to make sure you don't feel regrets for your decisions, both past and present. Feel good about your accomplishments. As for the future, ask yourself this each morning: What will I do today to become the person I want to be tomorrow?
See, you've always been the more philosophical one. Of course, such depth isn't readily apparent when playing Joust or soaking unsuspecting English professors with a squirt gun, but it was there all along... lurking.
That's ok on the birthday. I still confuse yours; is the Dec 6, Dec 7, or sometime in January? You would think after 30 years, I would get that right. Still, I was amused that you were out taking photos of tombstones on my birthday. Ha! :D
I don't have a clear standard by which I'm measuring myself. I just feel life moving swiftly by, and I want it to stop, or at least slow down. I think my perception of time has to do with Bryan. He's growing so fast. Too fast.
You mentioned not thinking about how old you'll be when Chase graduates or whether you'll get to see your grandkids, but I do. My mom said she would be satisfied if she lived long enough to see me reach 18. I know--who says that to their kids, but she did. She probably felt like she received "bonus time" on this life's quarter when she was around to see Meagan born, but it kills me to think on what she missed out on by not being here when Bryan showed up. I really want to be here for my grandkids--all my grandkids--and I feel like time's running out. This has led me to conclude that I need to come to terms with my spiritual issues so I can live my golden years with grace and assurance, not preoccupied with the inevitable. I also need to step it up financially so I can spend time with my family and not have to work, which in turn means I need to get my "A Game" on professionally-speaking. In order to do all of this, I need to undue 41 years of sloth-like inertia and quit being such a lazy slug, yet not become so preoccupied with the professional and financial aspects so as to neglect the personal and spiritual. It's a bit paradoxical.
It's good, dare I say a blessing, to have friends who are passionate about "all this" [waves hands around making the universal sign of "all this"]. Life is a journey, but I'm at the half-way point, sitting at the rest stop, looking at the map and wondering.
Wowza. So, what does it look like to "come to terms" with one's spiritual "issues"?
And boy do I feel that paradox of working harder so you can eventually work less. It sucks.
Well, I would hope it would look like faith. I want to have faith, to have confidence in my belief.
Yeah, the paradox keeps smacking me in the forehead like a 2x4. I should learn to duck.
I wonder if it's impossbile to have total confidence in a belief that requires faith. You know?
Some people manage to achieve a certain certainty in their faith. Maybe it's blind faith or childlike faith. Whatever the case, I envy them. For me it's a lot of if-then-but-for.
See, talk like this always brings me back to my mother. The last words my mom says to me anytime we talk are, "I love you." That is just in case "something happens" to either her or me, and those will be the words the other will be left with. (She does this with every family member; I'm not special or singled out.) And I do that very same thing with Kat and Chase.
I get why your mother would have felt some satisfaction with being there to see you "grown up". Before Chase I did not worry about when I would depart from this mortal plane. Now, like you, I feel measured. And somehow inadequate.
But, I know this: We are much harsher critics about ourselves. You, my friend, are anything but sloth-like or lazy. Your aspirations for becoming a lawyer are a testament to that. Your pumpkin carving skills are a testament to that, also.
The faith part is such a tricky thing. Yes, I have that child-like faith. The Bible says Jonah was swallowed by a whale, I say it happened. God made Jonah. God made the whale. God can make it so a whale can swallow a man. And God can make it so a man can swallow a whale if he so chooses. My God is a BIG God. I do not care if it is scientifically impossible. God made the rules for this universe. If he decided to turn off gravity for a day, cool. We'll just float for awhile.
I know this seems like a tangent, but stay with me. Every day you use faith. You sit down in a chair and expect it to support you. Why? Because you heard about or saw someone else sit in it? That's flawed. How do you know to trust that person? Because you have sat in a chair before? Again, flawed. Each chair is different. There is really no guarantee that any chair will support you. You sit down solely on faith. (This will really sink in the first time you go to sit down in a chair you have never sat on before.)
Everyone learns to crawl before they walk. Why? Even as babies, you learn that 3 points of contact keep you stable. (Think of this as a level of faith.) Walking, which is actually an act of falling and stopping the fall in repitition, is only learned when you finally have a higher level of faith in yourself.
For Christians, faith is more profound. God usually requires action in relationship to faith. Elijah told the woman to use part of the oil and wheat to make him bread first, before making the rest for her and her son. She easily could have turned away, made the last of the food, and died of starvation. But because she obeyed, God provided a supply that lasted the drought and famine.
One of my favorite lines concerning faith is, "Waters never part until our feet get wet."
Yeah, I am that passionate about my Christianity. I believe this is all temporary. I just have to be faithful.
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